Filed under Satire, for some reason.
By Jackson Loudermouth, Reporter for MSEdBlog
“We’ve got to do something about the teachers, ok?” Bryant said to the media gathered for his press conference Monday. “We have the worst educated populace in the nation, and [the Legislature and I] have made sure schools don’t have enough funding to fix that, but clearly, more must be done. 42 came 30,000 votes from becoming law. Almost a majority of people in this state can still see how bad we are at our jobs.”
The “42” referred to by Bryant was a ballot initiative last year aimed at amending the state constitution to mandate adequate funding of public schools. In place of adequate public school funding, Bryant and members of the State Legislature have proposed and passed school choice measures that opponents say fail to address education problems for the 90% of Mississippi’s children enrolled in public schools.
“Obviously, we’ve got to round up these teachers and make them disappear somewhere,” said Bryant. “No matter how many years we refuse to fully fund schools, how far below the regional average teacher pay is, or how much we demoralize teachers as professionals in this state, Mississippi teachers are always there, making our people be educated anyway. That’s got to stop.”
Asked how he plans to make teachers disappear, Bryant opined, “I don’t know- you see these things in movies where bodies turn up in swamps, okay? I don’t know if we’ve got enough swamps for all the teachers in the state, but I know we’ve got a few… or Hey, sometimes in movies you see stores open up selling a trendy new food, and it’s really made of people that have disappeared… I mean, God knows if that happens, we could use the factory jobs- Look- we’re examining our options. We’ll figure something out…”
Before heading off to disenfranchise another unnamed constituency, Bryant added, “Of course, wiping out all those teachers is…I guess, technically illegal. We might have to wait and do it the long way. You know, by luring them to charter school jobs or making public school teaching so miserable in Mississippi they all move to Memphis and New Orleans. We’re pretty patient.”